It’s 2019 and in case you haven’t heard, we tie EVERYTHING back to astrology now. Alas, we have arrived at the final frontier: the 2020 candidates as the zodiac. I’m a Kamala Harris sun, Pete Buttigieg moon, and Marianne Williamson rising. What are you? Read below to find out.
Aquarius- Marianne Williamson
As it stands today, Marianne Williamson, aka Oprah’s spiritual advisor, is only 5,600 unique moon crystal ceremonies away from getting to the DNC debates. Aquarius are known for being a little hippy dippy, and one of Marianne’s proposals is to have a United States Department of Peacebuilding and she uses the word “soul” approximately 238 times on her official campaign website (where pink is also an accent color).
Pisces- Jay Inslee
Pisces are known for their sensitivity and being intuitively connected to the beings around them. Jay Inslee (the current Governor of Washington) is a single issue candidate: climate. Jay cares about the fish and the grass and the sky and likely wept to The Circle of Life (Elton John version) over a glass of white wine from a local PNW vineyard whilst writing his campaign declarations.
Aries- Bernie Sanders
Aries are known for being utterly relentless and I’ll be damned if Bernie isn’t the most relentless candidate out there. Also, Aries like money and Bernie is a millionaire now because he wrote a book and made some money off it, you guys! Why don’t YOU go write a bestselling book and make some money? Sheesh.
Taurus- Beto O’Rourke
The self-care, the melodrama, the two-month solo road trip (ahem, to “think about” a presidency he then declared he was “born for”)... oh Beto, you REEK of Taurus. Now go take a bubble bath.
Gemini- Tulsi Gabbard
A questionable history with LGBTQ rights but needs the community’s support to win? That sounds a little… two faced. I smell twins, Basel. Tulsi Gabbard, I hereby declare you Gemini.
Cancer- Cory Booker
It’s a love shack, it’s a little old place where Cory Booker wishes the White House were because come on guys, can’t we just all get along despite our deeply ingrained ideological differences?
Leo- Elizabeth Warren
Hear her roar- the ferocious defender of anyone and everyone. Elizabeth Warren has a PLAN and she’s gonna tell ya all about it! Also exaggerated her genetics for attention. Ahem, very Leo-like if I do say so myself.
Virgo- Kirsten Gillibrand
This is not a drill: Gillibrand has an Instagram ad of her playing beer pong with water. This THE most Virgo thing I have ever heard of considering that Virgos are down, but not too down ya know? Like, they can’t be the only responsible ones, but in all likelihood they are and someone has to get everyone home from the party safe even though they’d rather be back home jacked up on Diet Coke Marie-Kondo-ing the shit out of their closet.
Libra- Pete Buttigieg
Gay and a veteran?! Indiana bred and Ivy League ed?! Phish phan AND classical piano man?! Christian and… GAY?! Whos mans is this, come claim him! Mr. Balanced, Mr. Aesthetic, Mr. “Seven Languages & The Piano”... yeah, youzzzza libra, Pete.
Scorpio- Kamala Harris
Mysterious. Intimidating. Fiery. LOYAL. Every GBF’s BFF. Kamala Harris is a former prosecutor and I daresay prosecution is a top priority for any and all Scorpios. Cross them and your f’d, but if they’re on your side, sit back and relax. You’re in good hands.
Sagittarius- Joe Biden
Look: Joe’s here for the good times, not the inappropriate touching or the poorly-run Anita Hill hearing accusations, ok? Just let him live! And that’s what Sagittarius wants, too. Just let them live and travel and they’ll see you when they see you, ok? OKAYYYYYYY? Ok.
Capricorn- Amy Klobuchar
Capricorns are known for being a little, um, unforgiving. Intense, one might say. And while Amy Klobuchar is known for her diplomatic ways when reaching across the aisle, she’s also known for her *intensity* in the office. She’s a little rough on her staff we’ve heard. Lighten up, Amy - it’s just the entire future of our nation that’s at stake. No biggie.